Stories of Awakening
This is my search and indeed life story in a nutshell. It’s why I feel such inestimable gratitude for this teaching - really such that brings tears to my eyes - because I simply lived with myself before; all the joy in life had gone. Now I honestly feel like a child again and with that forgotten joy in things…
As for the mind and the trouble it got me into, well... that is a story.
I put so much faith in the mind, you see. It was my secret weapon, the tool which, if used properly, and worked hard enough, could make me better, stronger, able to find that state of equilibrium and fullness which was missing.
I became the quintessential seeker, often suicidally depressed. I was arrogant, hiding in lofty ideas that meant nothing. This voice in the head was so dissonant, so at odds with everything; I could never look people in the eye, or find any respite. I just flew through countries, relationships, and all the other choices we can make in life, like I was riffling cards through my hands. None of them made the grade for very long.
The only thing which seemed to offer any peace was writing because, though I didn't realise it at the time, it was the only time when the mind went quiet. In that presence I found a calling and way of life, and it kept me going for 15 years, through two travel books, the second which was All Kinds of Magic, forming an inconclusive tale of a part of that search… But you know when it ended, all my friends were looking at me like I 'knew' something because of all this exotic sounding mystical stuff in the East. But I was more lost than ever, and more afraid than ever.
Finally, on the day in which my wife and I split up for the first time (this was two years before the final separation), I came across Mooji. I was thirty three and alone in my parents’ house. Two things struck me like a thunderbolt on that first view of Mooji. One was the absolute luminosity of his presence and smile, and the second was the sheer absurdity of the suggestion that there might not be a 'me'.
All that searching, all the thousands of books read, and the only thing which had never been questioned was the nature of the seeker himself! It seemed so crazy that maybe, just maybe, there might be something in it. So I just carried on watching.. reading, absorbing, and the pressure which had already seemed to be at boiling point, just built and built until finally….well, there wasn't this eureka moment so much as a clear seeing of the mechanical nature of the mind, and a continual letting go.
And as Rupert Spira so wonderfully says, the greatest affirmation is the one the world gives you when you start to live like this...