Just after the posting between Robert and I about Choicelessness there was an event that burned away any doubt of this being true. After the “dust settled” from the blazing posts back and forth I woke in the middle of the night in excruciating back pain, so severe I could only crawl to the bathroom. I did not call for help for days, enduring, hoping that it would abate. In the days that followed, the pain burned all belief in “choice,” control, future, past, schemes, traditions, methods, and who I thought myself to be. I was Pain meeting pain.
Finally the ego burned in hell long enough to surrendered to the reality of what WAS. The body ruled. The ambulance picked me up that day.
Anything said about this is folly. How do you speak about a whole sky of
Beingness opening up?
And an annihilation of something called Martina...
From the hospital on the day of my release, I made these notes in my journal:
11 days of intense pain. The mountains in the distance are a silhouette against a clear dawn sky. The ample windows have been very appreciated to keep me connected to the sky and the movement of clouds. I watch them move from the south to change shapes, fascinating. The mind has been very still for days, being present without effort, like the clouds forming and disappearing. In the face of what I’ve gone through there is an experience that it never happened. There is in this moment only full contentment. All is rightness, I know nothing of the future. I notice the mind try and recapture itself. But with this was also the knowing that what had been experienced was the reality of truth lived. Here is what is knowable, that there is no attempt to be made, no hope, no clinging to anything. There is no talking about it, words will never touch the supreme beauty of Life. The sun begins to touch the palms, and I'll have to close the blinds from its brilliance, a metaphor for the lens of the mind that closes off the brilliance of Self Revealing.
Clouds moving in give me pause as I am not raging at the theft of the sun. It's almost like the clouds became my companions. There was a time yesterday when I was cloud gazing and it was all so clear that words could not touch the truth of this “Being” having nothing to do with a “me” yet has to have the “me” to be experienced. Really all the talk, the attempts made for awakening, the world teachings and teachers are just fine, but has nothing to do with Existence and all of it has no more significance than the beauty of a passing cloud.
The pain burned something crusty and afraid. Now experienced as the sweetest vulnerability. In the face of being financially stripped due to being uninsured, there is instead a quiet void without fear. The pain was greater than any thought of control/choice that the mind could ever manufacture.
Something has stopped raging at what IS. My critical mind has no meaning. Some
emotional attachment associated with a Martina has burned off, ripped away in
the pain. No worry, fear, struggle, no need for fierce doing. There is more
significance in the birds' flight than in any thought this mind could have. It
is all experienced as Choicelessness."
There is actually no one here to be enlightened or that needs to learn anything.
The critical mind, how unbecoming and dense...the denser thought has no power to gain momentum... there is no “belief” to sustain it!
Stripped naked, a sense of profound vulnerability in the face of Love.
It is wonder-filled and fresh. There is a rebirth, but no one is here.